Saturday, January 27, 2007

Hormonal? Or simply stress-induced?

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once. " - Audrey Hepburn I feel low today. Had dinner with ex last night, and though things have been touch and go between us, this time my crap mood had nothing to do with him. Well, not at first. As soon as I arrived, I broke down in tears from all the stress of work over the past week. Even though I've seen friends all week, I know that I'm just keeping it all in really and finally well, what timing. Then I started to feel better and I fell asleep in front of his tv. Now I feel bad again. Next weekend is ex's birthday. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner with me on Friday to celebrate. "Maybe" was his reply. "Maybe's not really good enough. Offer rescinded." I must be hormonal because I felt myself flush and fluttery with tears and I made my excuses and left his house. It seems there are different rounds of sadness with separation from someone you love. You always think the last bout of blue Sundays is IT. No more. Buoyancy and an optimism returns and you spend weeks feeling like it's spring and not 20th January on a cold dreary day in England. I know some would recommend that I just don't see ex at all. That line in the sand tactic has worked before, but I'd say only superficially. Isn't it just a way of hiding your real feelings from yourself and prolonging the mourning? I know I'll feel different in a matter of hours. Even though it's early afternoon, I've got a glass of red wine, my writing notebook, and nothing planned til this evening. I might even work on the script. If my mom is reading this, don't worry. Even the eternal optimist needs a day off.

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