Saturday, March 25, 2006

Perhaps there is some hope after all...

My resolve to drink less went out the window yesterday. I spent the whole day painting at the DJ project, along with one of the music trainers and a guy who used to attend session. After a funny experience of painting the floors chocolate brown - no, we didn't paint ourselves into a corner !- we went for a pint at St James's Tavern. Stayed for a few, then moved onto the Black Lion. Heinz got a call to go down to the Full Moon, where one of his friends, another rapper, was working. The hiphop community was representing in full force there, standing in the back corner, as the pub was rammed. I knew I was drunk when a big thick-neck guy bumped into me and I proposed to the boys that they jump him. Heinz shook his head. "You go first and we'll be behind you." I laughed. This was stupid. Essex boy came to collect me after he finished work, and we went on to the Hampton Pub. "I think you should stick to soft drinks," he said. I roared. "You're not the boss of me. Get me two drinks." I really should have stopped when we moved onto the Windmill. Boyfriend makes some comment, I burst into tears, get words of comfort from his best friend, then we're kicked out at closing time. We wandered down to Kambis for a kebab, only they were shut, so we drifted to another one. Boyfriend makes yet another comment and I have him pinned to the wall. He and his best friend leave me in there, and I cry tears over my kebab. I can't believe what an asshole he's being. I leave with kebab in hand, wondering what to do when I see them hailing a taxi. I cross the street and literally chuck the remainders of my kebab at my boyfriend, which doesn't go down too well. They command that I join them in the taxi. Much later, I'm dropped off by myself at home. The taxi driver asks if I'm going to be okay. I tell him I will be and he waits until I'm past the gate to leave. I phoned Essex boy and apologized for my behavior. I told him I'd been trying to pace myself so this didn't happen, drinking lots of water as well as my drinks. I told him I took full responsibility and that I was trying to improve, but obviously lapsed. The amazing thing is that he phoned me back when I was in bed and said he was sorry too - he admitted that he was too hard on me - and that he was coming home. This morning we talked and it was actually good. I feel like we're getting somewhere. We both know what we have to do, and if at least we're trying, then that's gotta be a good start. Sigh. Still, I'm not happy with the amount I drank and I know I still need to keep that to a minimum if I'm going to have a sane, balanced existence. I slept off the hangover and am feeling ok. It's raining. Lots of little birds are skipping around the yard. I've still got paint all over my hands and clothes. Essex boy is bringing home sushi for dinner, then we have a party to go to. I'm planning to have fun and just relax, which, if you knew me, you'd know this is no mean feat. I had a strange dream this afternoon. Essex boy passed away and I kept wishing he'd open his eyes and be alive again. Then before that, I was trying to convince him that we should have a baby before he passed away. It was like being in a parallel existence. I kept remembering this scene in a fellow writer's novel, where the woman was trying to conceive by impregnating herself with her dead lover's ashes. I've never been good at understanding dreams so I have no idea what this one could mean. Having said that, in the past, when someone has passed away in a dream (including myself) I've always discovered my deepest feelings about this person as a result of the dream. For instance, when I was estranged with my mother, I once dreamt she was in a burning house, and I woke up in a cold sweat. I really did care about her. After a few years of not talking, I picked up the phone and we spoke. Maybe I just want sushi. Oh yeah, and apparently my favorite song ("Club Tropicana") is all about bumming in the Mediterranean. Someone once asked me, when I told them how much I loved this song, with a completely incredulous look on their face - "But have you seen the video?" Yes, I have. It's great. Nicked the above rainbow pic from http://ronslog.typepad.com (he's got some lovely pics!) Mood: Groggy Listening to: "Don't let me be misunderstood"

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